Joy in the Mourning

Yes – you read that spelling correctly. I actually meant to say “mourning”, and not “morning.” Might sound weird at first right? But hang in there with me – what if it is not weird at all?

What if I told you that it would be possible for us to experience joy even in the deepest parts of our emotional pain? What if I told you that when we are grieving the loss of a loved one, when we feel plagued by anxiety or depression, when we have been hurt by someone we love (just to name a few) – that we CAN also experience joy, even in the midst of our pain?

What if I told you that when we experience pain in our body, we can still have something to smile about? What if I told you that we can still have hope in the deepest part of our soul, even when we feel like we are going to fall apart: physically, mentally, or emotionally? What if there really can be joy, even in our mourning?

Could it be, that when we are plagued by how others have hurt us, our own past regrets, experiencing unbelievable amounts of pain in our body, or just went through an inexplicably horrific and unexpected tragedy, we can STILL experience joy on the other side of our pain?

The joy I am referring to here is this: it is the joy we have in knowing that ALL of the pain we experience in this life WILL eventually come to an end. It will come to an end just like our life on this earth will come to an end. It is the joy we see referenced in Revelation 21:4:

“He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away”, (NIV).

No matter how much pain we experience in this life, no matter how many tears we cry, no matter how many times or how deeply others have hurt us, no matter how many nights we have spent crying ourselves to sleep wondering how we can possibly go on dealing with this much pain, hurt, and sorrow: it WILL eventually end. We WILL eventually live in a more full, life-giving, breathtaking experience of joy than we ever thought possible.

And don’t get me wrong friend: I am NOT saying this to in any way try to diminish the hurt, grief, and mourning you are currently experiencing in this life. I am NOT trying to tell you to just “put your happy face on” and get over it. What I AM saying is that I hope when you are walking through this pain, you can be reminded of the promise we have in heaven, and that that promise will bring you even just the smallest inkling of joy in the midst of your sorrows. What I AM saying is that I hope it gives you the opportunity and ability to see the light amongst the darkness, the roses among thorns, and the joy amongst so much pain, sadness, and deep grief.

So, could it be true: can there really be “joy in the mourning?” Can the promise of heaven be enough to even wipe away just one tear from our eyes, or be what allows us to go to sleep at night when we are deep in the emotional trenches of pain, hurt, and sorrow? Can the promises of heaven give us peace of mind when our hearts feel tormented by anxiety? Can the hope we have in Jesus offer just a flicker of light when we feel like we are surrounded by tunnels of darkness?

My hope and prayer is that this CAN be true for us, my friends. Not that we will not experience pain, but that we can be reminded of the joy we are promised on the other side of this life. My hope is that even when we are knee-deep in our mourning, God can still give us joy in remembering the hope that we have in Christ, and in our eternal life in heaven with him. My prayer for us is that of Psalm 30:11-12:

“You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy, that I might sing praises to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever!” (NLT)

Lord Jesus, I pray for all of my friends reading this today, that you would remind them of the joy that they can and will have in heaven, and that being reminded of the joy we are promised then would also bring them even the smallest inkling of joy in this present moment. I pray that because they are reminded of this promise, maybe they will cry just ONE less tear tonight, that they will fall asleep even just a minute earlier, and that if the pain they are experiencing is physical, that they will be given an image from you that brings them peace of mind even amongst such horrible pain. I pray that when my friends remember our hope of eternal life, that they will smile, even just for a moment. I pray that you will allow my friends to live out the title of this blog post and experience true “joy in the mourning.” I pray that you, God, would be with them:

In their coming in, and in their going out.

In their laughter, and in their tears.

In their anxiety, and in their peace of mind.

In their confidence, and in their insecurity.

In their excitement, and in their disappointment.

In their faithfulness, and in their distrust and skepticism.

In their kindness, and in the moments when they say things they later deeply, deeply regret.

In their best moments, and in their worst moments.

In their love, and in moments when they feel apathy.

In their care, and in their lack thereof.

In their singleness, and in their marriages.

In their gratitude, and in their discontentment.

In their families, and in their struggles with infertility.

In their pureness of heart, and in convicted hearts that are plagued by sin.

In their patience, and in their anger.

In their gentleness, and when they speak harshly to those they love.

In their joy, and in their mourning.

Freely Love and Freely Give

I really don’t like goodbyes. Actually, I quite hate them. I despise the thought of having grown so incredibly attached to someone, just to say goodbye to them and either never see them again, or not see them near as much as you once did due to one of you moving far away.

Goodbyes are so hard. For me, they are almost always full of tears. Before I begin the enduring of what I know to be an upcoming goodbye moment, I have sometimes asked God why. Why does He allow me to become so attached to people and develop so much love for them in my heart, only to eventually have to say goodbye to them? And a question I really want to ask God sometimes is, “why does it feel like every person I have ever grown attached to in my life, I have had to say goodbye to in some way?”

I don’t think I will ever grow to actually like goodbyes, but I am finally learning to be able to accept them. I am finally starting to see that even though myself or the other person might be physically moving away, that doesn’t mean the relationship that we had with them suddenly ceases to exist. We still have the relationships with the people we love, wherever we go, and wherever they go. So, even though we may not physically see them as often, I guess it doesn’t really have to be goodbye.

I used to get so mad at God every time I went through a season of change and/or had to say goodbye to yet another very dear friend (which happened a lot for me during my time in seminary). I asked Him why He would allow me to become so attached to people and then take them away, but then, I could feel the Holy Spirit whispering something softly in my ear…

Why would you put a limit on how much you allow yourself to love someone? Why would you hold back part of yourself in a genuine, trusted friendship, just because you know that the two of you might not be together long term in the same physical space? Why would you limit how much you love, when I have never, not even a little bit, but a limit on how much I have loved you?

My sweet Leah, why would you not freely love and freely give of yourself, just like I have done for you? Why would you hold back from allowing others to see the love of Christ in you by how deeply you love and care for them, even when it might cause you pain in those moments when you have to say goodbye to them? Why would you ever refrain yourself or “play it safe” when it comes to loving others? Did I not take a risk by sending my son to die on the cross for all of the sins of humanity, offering the gift of eternal salvation to all, knowing that in the end, not everyone would accept this gift? Did I not love you without limits, and is it not because of my love for you that you have been given the capacity to show the same love to others?

My dear child, I want you to hear this from me now. I want you to freely love, and freely give to others. I want you to let yourself love, with no strings attached, even when saying goodbye (even if only temporary) will be extremely painful on your heart. I want you to love ME with all your heart, soul, mind and strength; and to love your neighbor as yourself. (see Mark 12:30-31) I want you to allow yourself to open your heart to new seasons, and be able to accept the reality that you will have different close relationships at different times throughout your life, and that does not mean that the previous friendships you’ve had have to go away, it just means the form in which you have them changes.

Long-distance friendships are going to stay close through phone calls and the occasional FaceTime, while in-person friendships have more time and flexibility for things like coffee, hiking, going on a walk, or getting dinner together. Neither of these friendships are “better” or “worse” than the other, they are simply different. So, instead of continuing to get mad at God for anticipating even more goodbyes in an upcoming season, I am choosing to say thank you for allowing Him to give me more people to love, and choosing to trust that He has blessed me with some very dear, life-long friendships that are possible to maintain long distance, even if we don’t talk as often as we did in person. I am choosing to smile, and to be thankful to God for providing me with SO many amazing, incredible human beings who have so immensely blessed my life.

Friends, it is also my prayer for you that even though life goes through seasons, and sometimes goodbyes can be so incredibly painful, that you choose to trust God in the midst of them, and allow yourself to be thankful that He has continually given you people to love in your life that has made saying goodbye a hard thing in the first place. And, it is my prayer, that you trust that wherever you are going in your next season, that God will provide you with even more people to love in that next spot.

Mark 12:30-31: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these”, (NIV).

John 15:12-13: “This is my commandment: Love each other in the same way I have loved you. There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends”, (NLT).

Joshua 1:9: “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go”, (NIV).

1 John 4:18: “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love”, (NLT).

The Other Side of Yes

It is true that there is hard that comes with saying yes to God. It is true that God will ask us to do things that will often seem so incredibly beyond us and cause us to ask God if He is sure that He chose the right person for whatever He is asking us to do. It is true that our yes often requires sacrifice, and sometimes saying yes to God will mean giving up things or saying goodbye to people that you love and hold so dear that the thought of giving them up or moving away actually causes you physical pain. That is what my yes meant for me when I moved to Utah. It meant some very, very painful goodbyes and moving on from an incrediblely unique season of my life that I knew, in a very real way, I would never get back.

But saying yes also meant some really great things, too. Saying yes to God meant discovering a new church in Salt Lake City with people I never could have imagined would start to feel like family even in just a few short months. Saying yes to God meant getting to meet even more people to love, and it meant that I would begin to watch Him take care of me and bless me in very unique and specific ways that I never could have imagined before I came here.

Saying yes has meant receiving more gifts, encouragements, and kind words from others than my mind can count. Saying yes has meant realizing for the first time in two months that I am starting to laugh and smile with people here in the same way that I used to do with people back home. It is realizing that I don’t just have to have ONE family back home, but that I can have family here, too. It is realizing and being okay with developing and maintaining friendships here, knowing that the relationships I build here will be so uniquely different than the relationships I have with people in KY – and knowing that is OKAY. Saying yes is ktrusting God enough to allow my heart to be open to loving new people, recognizing that loving new people doesn’t mean that old friendships ever stop, or even that I start to love those people any less. Rather, it means that God is growing and expanding my capacity to love and care for more people at one time than I ever thought my heart was capable of.

Saying yes, for me, has meant being okay with having my heart in two places. Saying yes for me has meant choosing to continue to love and hold dear my relationships with those back home in KY, while also allowing the Lord to work my heart enough to have the courage to develop new relationships with people here in Utah. Saying yes has, and continues to mean for me, to be okay with the unknown and step into it with boldness, even when you feel all the fear in the world. Saying yes means choosing faith over fear, intentionally stepping into and being fully present in this new season, while also recognizing more and more every day that I have NO control over everything that lies ahead for God’s plan for my life. Saying yes means choosing to both surrender to and trust a life that always has an element of uncertainty, because we will never know all at one time what the full extent of our future with God will look like. Saying yes is knowing and being assured in the deepest part of our heart that God ALWAYS knows what is best for our life, being grateful that He is the one who is directing and guiding our every next step.

At the end of the day, all I know is that I have, and will continue to, say yes to God. I will say yes when it hurts, I will say yes when it’s fun and exciting, and I will say yes when I am so overwhelmed thinking about how I could possibly make it through what God is calling me to that my stomach starts to hurt and I cry myself to sleep at night. I will say yes because not only is Jesus my Savior, but He is also my Lord. My life is not my own, and I recognize more and more every day that God’s plan for my life is so much better than, and ultimately matters so much more, than the life I think I want for myself. The more I see God work in my life, the more I realize that following God and His plan for my life is always followed me the most incredible, insurpassable peace, and the joy that comes with saying yes to Him is better and more powerful than any of my own desires or plans. I have come to believe that His plan is always better, and brings my heart more contentment and joy than I could ever have if I was the orchestrator of my own life. I’m so glad I get to live into such an unexpected adventure with God every day, and even though it’s hard sometimes, I know that He is taking care of me, and I know that He only has the best in store for my life and for everyone who chooses to and has the courage to say yes to following Him. I hope that reading this post and a little bit about my story can inspire and encourage you, even if it is just a tiny bit, to have the courage, the boldness, and the faith to choose to say yes to God, too.

Proverbs 3:5-6: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight”, (NIV).

Psalm 119:105: “Your word is a lamp to guide my feet and a light for my path”, (NLT).

Isaiah 26:3-4: “You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord himself, is the Rock eternal”, (NIV).

Your Yes Isn’t About You

Something that God is continuing to teach me through my move across the country to Utah is that my yes to coming here was never about me. It was never about how much I could “get” or how much I could benefit from coming here, it was (and is) about how I can give. My yes to Him is about me being a blessing to others while I am here, and showing people the love of Jesus, many of which have quite possibly spent their entire lives wondering if such a thing as God really even exists.

My yes to God is about loving people who believe differently politically than me, and showing them in real practice that I can and will love them as valued human beings made in the image of God, even if we have different perspectives on certain things.

My yes to God is about every patient I will encounter in the hospital in the year that I am here who I will have the opportunity to show Jesus to by caring for them in their toughest, darkest, and often loneliest moments of life.

My yes to God is about serving His kingdom within a church community, and using the gifts, talents, and passions He has given me to help build up His kingdom.

My yes to God was never about me coming to a beautiful place where I can go on lots of hikes and post pictures of them (although the hiking is certainly a perk and I’m definitely not complaining about it). My yes to God is about THEM, and to some extent I don’t even know who all encompasses “them” yet. I just know I’m not here for my own self-fulfillment or gain, but I am here to serve and to fearlessly and compassionately love others.

TO ALL MY FOLKS BACK IN KY: I hope that me saying yes to God in this way can be an example and an inspiration to you in your own journey of following Jesus. I hope that seeing me choose to say yes, even though it was (and sometimes still is) hard, encourages you to say yes to Jesus, too. I hope it reminds you that we can and should say yes to Him, even when we feel weak, and even if we walk to where He is taking us with our knees trembling every step of the way. Even if it means giving up what we know, even if it means crawling on the floor from being captivated by fear of the unknown, even if it means saying goodbye to people who are so close that they feel like actual blood family (shout out to my Radiant KY church fam – you guys will always be family), it’s STILL worth it, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I wouldn’t trade the hard for the easy. I wouldn’t trade not knowing for being certain of each and every possible detail of my future that my finite human brain could manage, and even though I am actively living in the hard of still being fairly new in Utah and away from everything I know that was familiar to me, I STILL wouldn’t say no. I wouldn’t say no to God because I trust in His plan, and because I know that my yes was never about me. It was (and is) about how God can USE me to be a blessing to others, and to show them what a truly sold out and fully devoted follower of Jesus looks like. It’s about giving, it was never about getting.

We say yes not always knowing why because it reminds us to put our faith in God and in HIS plan, knowing that His plan is always greater than anything we could ever imagine for ourselves.

We say yes even in the midst of fear, because we know that even if we feel fear, God is still with us. God is with us in the uncertainty, in the fear, in the anxiety, JUST as much as He is with us in the courage. We don’t have to feel a certain way about our yes. We just have to give it.

Joshua 1:9: “Have I not commanded you? ‘Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go'”, (NIV).

2 Timothy 1:7: “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind”, (NKJV).

Jeremiah 29:11: “For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future'”, (NIV).

Deauteronomy 31:8: “And the Lord, He is the One who goes before you. He will be with you, He will not leave you nor forsake you; do not fear nor be dismayed”, (NKJV).

Walking the Narrow Road

Matthew 7:13-14: “Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it”, (NIV).

How do we find this way to life? How do we intentionally choose the narrow gate that leads to life – not just in our choice to follow Jesus and eventually have eternal life in heaven, but HERE on earth, in our lives right now? How do we make choices in our lives that intentionally reflect the sacrifice, the set-apartness, and the costly nature of following Jesus?

I think we do it one step at a time. I think choosing and walking the narrow road in our lives doesn’t ever happen by accident, it happens one intentional (and often hard) decision at a time.

It happens when we choose to obey what God is telling us to do in our lives even when everyone else around us is telling us we’re crazy.

It happens when we choose to love the people that society tells us to walk away from, to leave on the outside, and to ignore.

It happens when we decide to make a stand for people who are unable to speak for themselves.

It happens when we ignore other peoples’ opinions of others and choose to get to know those people for ourselves.

It happens when we say yes to going where God calls us to go, even if it means leaving everything we know behind.

It happens when we choose to courageously love others, even when they don’t love us back. It happens when we give, and do so without an intention to get anything in return.

It happens when we choose to put others before ourselves. When we let someone else cut in front of us in line. When we pay for someone else’s meal in the drive thru. When you let someone else choose the restaurant. When you do something someone you love wants to do, even if you don’t enjoy it. You do it because you know they do.

As much as our decision to choose the narrow way is reflected in the big decisions in our lives, it is also seen in all these little things.

Every time we wake up, we have a choice to do the harder thing. We have a choice to put those we love before ourselves, even though we don’t feel like it. We have a choice to stand up for others who can’t stand up for themselves, and we certainly always have a choice to intentionally show others the love of Christ even when it is hard, and even when they might be people that society has cast off as being “unworthy”.

Don’t tell yourself you’re going to wait for something bigger to do to spread the love of Christ, or to choose to walk in His ways. Choose now. Do the hard thing, in all those little ways. Do it now, don’t wait. Choose the narrow way, not just in the big decisions, but in the little ones, too. Do it because that’s what Jesus did, and that is what He has called us to do, too.

Beyond Broken

I know the feeling. The feeling of having hit your limit. The feeling that you can’t do it because it’s way too hard, and you aren’t strong enough. The feeling that you cannot possibly take one more step, cry one more tear, or go to bed another night living in the reality that the next steps of your life are entirely unknown. The reality of how little control we actually have over our lives, recognizing that sometimes the things that God calls us to do can actually be the very things that are the hardest on our own hearts.

Sometimes saying yes to God means saying goodbye. Saying goodbye to something (or some people) that you truly and deeply love. I am living in this reality at the very moment that I write this blog post. It was only a few weeks ago that I said goodbye to my home in Kentucky and felt God leading me to move across the country to take a job in Utah. As excited as I was to start this new journey and step into a new adventure after finally graduating from seminary, I knew it was also going to mean a LOT of goodbyes, and a LOT of heartache.

I knew it would mean that I would be away from my family, my church family back home, and my KY friends. I knew it would mean going to bed for many nights with a deep pain in my chest sinking in for the reality of being alone. I knew it would mean going to the store where NO ONE knew me, and I knew it would mean getting used to a whole new way of life in what we know as the Mountain West.

I knew it would mean crying. A lot. Crying because I miss people, crying because I’m sad, and crying because I am so overwhelmed and genuinely believe and feel in my heart that there is no WAY God has actually called me to move my life halfway across the country from everyone I know. Because, well, why would He do that to me? Doesn’t He know I’m not that strong, and doesn’t He see me on the floor at night crying out to Him in fear of the unknown, and in the sadness of, in some ways the first time in my whole life, being genuinely and COMPLETELY on my own?

It’s taken me being here in Utah for several weeks now to even begin to understand the slightest attempted answer to that question. What I do know, is that God does not call us to do things that He knows aren’t good for us, even if we don’t see the good in the moment we are living in currently. He also (speaking from experience here) NEVER calls us to do things that are easy, or things we even remotely think we could possibly do on our own. God calls us to do things that are hard, and sometimes, things that are painful. Like saying goodbye (or even “see you later”). Because, well, it is in those hard things that we most deeply tap into the truest nature of His strength. It is when we are broken and taken down from our own power and ability to trust in ourselves, that we can look within our hearts and see what we are truly made of.

Do we believe God is powerful enough to work in those areas where we are weak, and to move in ways that we never could have imagined that we even needed to ask Him to move? Do we believe that all the tears are worth it, because at the end of the day, nothing matters more than knowing, delighting in, and trusting in our Creator God? Do we believe that He has our best interest at heart, and do we TRULY believe that by the power of the Holy Spirit living within us, that ALL things are really possible?

I want you all to know something. I want you to live into a new reality, and write a new narrative for yourself. Change how you see yourself, and what you believe about your lack of ability to do something courageous.

I want you to tell yourself that you are beyond broken. You are not just “beautifully broken” (although I do think that is a great and appropriate choice of words for a certain setting), you are BEYOND it. You are beyond broken because you are more, and because you will not live in this broken place of your life forever. You are beyond broken because God has a future and a hope for your life, that is so much more intrinsically and intricately beautiful than your human mind could ever possibly imagine.

You are beyond broken because of Christ, because He has set you free not only for your life in heaven, but for your life that is here on earth right now. You are beyond broken because one day, God will use your testimony of how you overcame, worked through, and allowed the spirit to heal your brokenness to witness to others who are struggling in their own broken seasons of life. You are beyond broken because the spirit of the living God lives on the inside of you. You are beyond broken because through the power of the Holy Spirit living on the inside of you, you ARE enough. Actually, you are MORE than enough for what God has called you to do and who He has called you to be in each and every season of your life. You are beyond broken. You are a daughter or a son of the most high King, and you are made for more than the brokenness of life that you are living in now. You are more. You are enough. And you are meant to be made whole. Continue to trust God even in your brokenness, and just WATCH how He uses you, even in what could seem like a dark and trying season. Just watch how God moves.

Jeremiah 29:11: “For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'”, (NIV).

2 Corinthians 12:9-10: “Each time he said, ‘My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.’ So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong”, (NLT).

Philippians 4:13: “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me”, (NKJV).

Also, I have attached some pictures to this post of some KY friends and family that I have hung up in my new room in Utah, because looking at all of these beautiful people every day reminds me of how truly blessed I am to have so many people to love in my life, even though it makes saying goodbye so hard.

God’s Voice

God,

I long to hear your voice. I long to hear what you are speaking to my heart, and to go to all of the places that you are leading me. I long to serve you and to be undistracted and unhindered by the voices of others. I long to quiet my own mind and thoughts so that I may hear your voice that much more clearly.

I long to be unshaken. Unwavered. Undaunted by the fears of the unknown, and by all the little pieces that have overwhelmed me about my future that I am slowly realizing I cannot predict or control.

I long to have courage. To be focused. To both know and believe in the deepest part of my heart that I am following your plan for my life, even when I do not understand the full extent of what that plan looks like.

I long to be unmoved by the voices of others around me. To be so confident in my own ability to hear your voice in my life that I am not deterred or distracted when someone else’s voice may contradict what your Holy Spirit has already confirmed in my heart.

I long to build my life on solid rock, and to not ever let my life be ruled by fear. I long to believe you when you speak a word to me, and to have courage to follow through with whatever it is that you are asking me to do.

Lord, make me courageous. Fearless. Focused. Unashamed. Determined and unwilling to quit on following through with the word you have put in my spirit. Unrelenting in my love for you, and in my life for others. Mold me and shape me into the person you want me to become, so that I may be the person who has the character, the integrity, and the love in my heart to be able to do whatever it is that you have (and still are) calling me to do, Jesus.

Matthew 7:24-25: “Everyone then who hears these words of mine and acts on them will be like a wise man who built his house on rock. The rain fell, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on rock”, (NRSV).

2 Timothy 1:7: “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind”, (NKJV).

Nothing But Jesus

Jesus,

There is absolutely nothing on this planet that is sweeter than your presence. There is nothing that matters more to me in this world than sitting with you and feeling the lightness of your Holy Spirit that is both surrounding me and within me. There is nothing I would rather to than to be with you, and I’m sorry for all the times that I’ve let myself get distracted and forgotten about the things that are truly important.

I’m sorry for all the times I have turned to other people to define what my identity is. I’m sorry for the times I have chosen to watch TV instead of praying or reading my Bible. I’m sorry for allowing our American culture define my identity, specifically my identity as a woman. I’m sorry for falling into the lie that all woman have to weigh a certain number to be worth something in your eyes, and believing for so many years that the next diet would be my key to losing weight and would thus finally allow me to unleash the fullness of my identity in you. I’m sorry for the times I have turned to food to somehow attempt to simultaneously cope with and numb my difficult emotions.

I’m sorry for all the times I have allowed the fear of not having enough money control my innermost thoughts. I’m sorry for ever, EVER doubting that you would show up in my life when you have never been anything but faithful. I’m sorry even for the times I have been tempted to put my identity in things I’m good at, and somehow allowed those things you have gifted me at to become what I take my pride in and then to thus turn into what defines me as a human being.

I’m sorry for ever being discontent in the season of singleness I am in right now. I’m sorry for thinking that meeting a man would mask the difficult struggles that I have faced in my own mind and heart, and would somehow both cover up and alleviate my lifelong struggle of trying to define my own identity. I’m sorry for putting all my weight into a person I may or may never meet, and I’m sorry for ever not completely trusting you with my future in this way. And, most importantly here, I’m sorry for allowing the thoughts, hopes, and dreams of other people dictate my viewpoint of my own singleness, and allowing that viewpoint to drive me away from the peace and contentment that I can have in YOU alone in every season of my life, Jesus.

My prayer for all those who are reading this blog is that they would encounter you Jesus like they have never encountered you before, and that they would come face to face with both the power and the gentleness of your manifest presence. I pray that they would experience the peace that surpasses all understanding, and just like the Apostle Paul said in Philippians, I pray that they would learn the secret of being content in every circumstance – whether well fed or hungry, whether having plenty or being in want. We love you, Jesus. And we’re sorry for ever pursuing anything or anyone above pursuing you.

Philippians 4:6-7: “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus”, (NLT).

Philippians 4:11-13: “Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength”, (NLT).

Ephesians 2:10: “For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago”, (NLT).

The Asbury Outpouring: Some Things I Have Learned

Whatever has been going on at Asbury the past couple of weeks – whether you call it a “revival”, “awakening”, or “outpouring”, we all seem to agree that we have witnessed an incredibly powerful move of The Holy Spirit that has started in Wilmore and continued to spark on other colllege campuses, churches, and many places throughout the world. What we have seen here in Wilmore has been both exciting and powerful and also intimate and personal. The Holy Spirit has been present speaking in large rooms filled with people, and he has also moved in the hearts of individuals as they have earnestly sought him, some coming up to the altar to receive prayer to be set free from things that they have been bound to for years.

The Holy Spirit is loud and mighty like a rushing wind, but yet he is also quiet. He will move in ways that are indescribeably powerful, yet he will also fill your heart with a peace that surpasses all understanding in a quiet, soft, and gentle way. Yet, when he moves in such a quiet way in your life, you can’t help but want to be loud about it. You can’t help but long for others to be moved in that same way by the Holy Spirit’s power, to be set free from anything that is holding them back from complete freedom, peace, and joy in their minds and hearts. When you receive a touch of the Holy Spirit in your life and in your situation, you can’t help but want to tell others about it. You can’t help but getting excited. And that, my friends, is where I am right now in this moment.

The Holy Spirit has moved in a very powerful and yet very soft and intimate way in my own life. I went to this outpouring at Asbury not knowing what I was searching for or why I was going, all I knew is that I needed to be there. All I knew is that from that first moment I arrived in Hughes Auditorium on February 9th, that God was trying to show me something. Possibly many things. I wasn’t sure what or how God was going to speak to me, but I knew he would. I could feel his presence so powerfully, not just inside the building of Hughes Auditorium, but all around Wilmore – both in the overflow buildings that were opened up as spaces for the outpouring, as well as outside on the semi circle witnessing hundreds of volunteers (both within and outside the community of Wilmore) coming together to make sure people were warm, fed, and given the opportunity to hear and participate in the worship that was going on inside. What I witnessed and got to be a part of was a manifestation of the Kingdom of God, the family of God and body of believers coming together for one common purpose – to worship our one true king.

I know there have been many reflections and posts regarding the revival/outpouring at Asbury, and I praise God for that. I praise God for how he has moved in thousands of people’s lives these past couple of weeks, and hearing the individual stories of how God has moved within the hearts of his people has been so refreshing to my spirit. Those stories of how God has moved in the lives of others have been part of what has inspired me to share some things that God has placed on my own heart through this powerful encounter. Below are a few reflections on the things that God has been teaching me over these past several weeks:

  • Life is a journey, and embrace the step you’re on. You can’t get to step 5 without going through steps 1 and 2.
  • Forgiveness matters, and it is often an ongoing process throughout our lives. We surrender every day the hurts we have endured from others, and we also continually ask God to show us those who we have wronged so that we might ask for forgiveness from them. And, we can trust that God has called us to do our part by giving and asking for forgiveness, but we are not responsible for the other person’s response (see Romans 12:18).
  • Sometimes the hardest person to forgive is ourselves. Even when other people have forgiven us, and even when we know God has forgiven us, we are still holding onto deep shame from things we have done in the past and it can be a real struggle to let go of that shame we have carried in our lives for years.
  • Sometimes we need to forgive God. Not that God himself ever does anything wrong, but we have held grudges against God because he didn’t move in ways that we thought he should or because he allowed something to happen we thought he should have prevented. If we don’t deal with this anger we have developed towards God, it can grow into a deep bitterness of both God and of Christianity as a whole that is very, very dangerous. Don’t let yourself stay angry with God. Talk to him, and share your heart. Just read the Psalms – I promise God can take our anger and wants us to talk to him about it.
  • The things we need healing from in our lives are not just the big and obvious things. Sometimes those big things are what bring us to our knees upon the altar, but it is not until we get there that we realize that that one hurt is only one of the many that we need healing from. It doesn’t matter how big or how small the hurt is, every hurt we carry is very, very real. And God cares about each one of them.
  • Many of us are deeply hurt and our heart has been completely broken. A picture that God gave me to pray over many people during the revival is to picture your heart as a glass vase, one that has been shattered all over the floor. Then picture yourself standing with Jesus, slowly picking up all of those broken pieces of shattered glass. It is only because of Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross and his Holy Spirit living within our hearts that we can have the strength to be able to forgive others, and Jesus is the one who is with us through all of the hurt and the pain that we feel, helping us heal from those very deep hurts so that we can be made whole again. And it is important to remember that while Jesus does help us put each individual piece of our broken heart back together, when we do heal from those wounds, it will never be as if we were never hurt. We do forgive, but we very rarely forget. But the beautiful thing about that is that God will use each individual broken piece of your heart as a battle scar that will help others who have also walked through pain, often a pain that is deeply similar to that which you have walked through.
  • In that picture of the broken vase and shattered glass that God showed to me, he reminded me that the glue that holds those broken pieces back together is forgiveness. Forgiveness of those who have hurt us, asking forgiveness from those whom we have hurt, forgiving ourselves for past mistakes we have made and finally being free from carrying such deep shame from those mistakes; and forgiving God for any anger, bitterness, or hardness of heart that we have developed towards him for not showing up in ways that we thought he should, and forgiving him for not answering our prayers in the ways we so badly wanted them to be answered.
  • I’m 25. And I’m single. And that’s okay. And I can truly and genuinely be content in this season of singleness that God has me in right now. And there is absolutely nothing on this planet that matters more than following God and surrendering to his plan for my life.
  • I can let go of the expectations of others, and trust in the fact that if I am truly trying to please God, I will be living in a way that honors others as according to his Word, but I do not have to be held bound or captive to expectations of other people. If I am being obediant to Christ, I will love and honor others, but the one person I am living according to and following the steps of IS our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, and if someone judges me for that or has a problem with it, then so be it. That’s okay because I know who I am, I know WHOSE I am, and I know that God knows my heart.

I know I don’t know you, and I don’t know your life story, but it is my prayer that this post can be an encouragement to you in your own spiritual journey.

I pray that you have courage to forgive and courage to go to God with your hurts. I pray that you walk in complete and total humility, recognizing that it is only by the power of the Holy Spirit living within our hearts that we have the strength to forgive others and can be forgiven ourselves.

I pray that you are able to let go of shame you have been carrying in your life, possibly for many, many years.

I pray that you allow yourself to finally talk to God about the anger and hardness of heart you have developed against him. I pray that you surrender your desire to know and understand everything, and allow yourself to trust that what God has planned for you is ALWAYS good, even if everything that happens to you is not.

I pray for restored relationships and reconciliation when and where possible. I pray that others receive your forgiveness, and that if and when they don’t, you can STILL trust that you did your part by admitting and confessing where you have been wrong.

Most of all, I pray that your trust, your worth, and your identity, is found in God alone. I pray that you recognize the profound, amazing love that God has for you as his son or as his daughter, and that no matter what has happened to you, no matter what you have done, and no matter the hurts you have been carrying, you CAN live a life of joy and be set free of the things that have held you captive in your life for so long.

P.S. The photo in this post was taken on a hike I went on recently with a dear friend, and being on that hike has been another part of what has inspired me to share what God has been speaking to me recently, so I thought it would be fitting to add a photo from that hike on this post. 🙂

Romans 12:17-18: “Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone”, (NIV).

Galatians 5:13-14: “For you have been called to live in freedom, my brothers and sisters. But don’t use your freedom to satisfy your sinful nature. Instead, use your freedom to serve one another in love. For the whole law can be summed up in this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself”, (NLT).

Do You Trust Me?

What if God asked you if you trust him: would you say yes? Would you say that you trust him in complete and total fullness, even if something in your life doesn’t go as you had planned or like you wanted it to? Would you say that you trust God even if you lose something precious to you, even if he says no to something you have prayed for? Would you say that you trust God even if everything you have was taken from you? If you were the only one and could not rely on the faith of others around you and no one else was in the room to hear, would you still say that you trust God then?

It’s easy to say that we trust God when things are going well in our lives, or that we trust God “if” he does this certain thing we have prayed and believed him for, but it’s another thing to say that we trust him regardless of what the circumstances in our lives may look like. To say that we trust God EVEN if he says no to our prayer, or even if our life doesn’t look the way we think it should in the particular time and season we are in. To say that we trust the character of God MORE and ABOVE what is going on around us and more than that what we think God can “do” for us.

Do you trust God “as long as” or “only if” this and that happen, or do you trust God no matter WHAT is going on around you? No matter what you have, no matter what you don’t have, no matter if you think you are where you “should” be in your life, and no matter if your life looks a million times different than you thought it would when you got to this point? Do you desire to trust God in a deeper and more intimate and real way than you ever have before? Do you believe that you CAN trust, believe in, and rely on God’s character no matter WHAT is happening in your life?

I am praying for you friends, and for me. For all of us. Praying that God grows and develops our trust in him like roots develop and grow strong when trees are planted in the ground. I pray that God reveals to each and every one of us the true kindheartedness of his character and reminds us in unique and profound yet simple ways that we CAN trust in him, and that we do not need to be afraid of the unknown. We can trust in his character and that he has a plan for our lives that is better and so much greater than we could ever imagine; and if our life looks different than we thought it would when we got to this point, that is O K A Y. Actually, it is more than okay. It is more than okay because we can trust that God loves us and he is carrying us forward, and that no matter what happens, he is leading us along the path of life.

1 John 4:18: “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love”, (NIV).

Psalm 23:3: “He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake”, (NIV).

Proverbs 3:5-6: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight”, (NIV).

Philippians 4:11-13: “I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry,whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength”, (NIV) (italics added).