You Should’ve Been Here

Nanaw,

You should’ve been there for my wedding. To help me pick out my wedding dress, the perfect shoes, and to help me get ready on the day of the wedding. You should’ve been there with your three-quarter sleeved dress, making everyone around you laugh and making sure everyone’s hair and makeup looked perfect.

You should’ve been there to meet the man I am going to marry. You should’ve been there to get to know his personality, to make him laugh, and even to make him feel awkward in just the right amount of ways that any family member should.

You should’ve been there to see me graduate from seminary after being in school for so long. You have always been so proud of all your grandkids, and I know when I receive that degree, you would’ve been my biggest cheerleader.

You should’ve seen me have my first kid, to be there through the process of all the nerves, excitement and anxiety that comes with being a first-time parent. You should’ve been there with me at the hospital to see the baby for the first time, and to hold my hand when I get nervous or when the pain seems too great.

It’s hard to believe that you won’t be here to celebrate these stages of life with me. I will certainly miss that smile of yours, your impeccable style, and how you can make anyone laugh no matter how nervous, anxious, or upset they might be.

I hope that moving forward, I will honor you, celebrate you, and make you proud in everything I do. I hope that I become the person you always told me I would be. I hope that the man I marry reminds me of you and has your sense of humor. I pray that he is a gentleman and treats me with respect, just as you always tell all women that they deserve to be treated. I hope the man I marry thinks I am as beautiful as you always told me that I was, and that he loves God with that same love, passion, and dedication that you always did.

I hope that when and if I do have kids, that I can tell them stories about you. I will be sure to include the one when you told my dad his face would look too fat if he cut his hair before your wedding, and the one when you called my dad in the middle of a church service to ask him if a Steeler’s game was on. I will also be sure to tell them all about your shoe closet and your style that was always next-level, no matter what the weather was or where you were going.

I hope I can tell them about the times we sat at the kitchen table with you, watched you do your crossword puzzles, and watched the Price Is Right. I hope I can tell my kids how you always made my dad breakfast when we spent the night (and he never ate breakfast any other time) and how the two of you always loved to argue with each other.

I hope I can learn to make over-easy eggs as good as you always did, and I hope that our family will continue to carry on the tradition of sharing a Thanksgiving meal together even long after you are gone. I hope that we continue to remember you and the many blessings and memories you have shared with us. Nothing will ever be the same without you, but I guess we can all learn to live into a new normal.

Know that you will always be missed and loved down here, but I know how happy everyone in our family is to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are in eternal glory in heaven with Jesus. It is my hope and prayer that all of the individuals in our family can together carry on your memories, your jokes, your laughs, your meals, and most importantly, your incredible, patient, gentle and gracious love.

If I Could Say One Last Thing

To my beloved grandmother (“Nanaw”) who passed away last week on November 7th:

If I could say one last thing to you (or maybe a few)…

I would tell you how much joy you brought to my heart just simply by existing. I would tell you how much I loved how deeply you thought and analyzed about every detail of every single thing you ever wore. I would tell you how much I love that you have a shoe closet, and that even though you are my grandma, you have better style than me.

I would tell you how funny I thought it was that you always wore shirts with three-quarter length sleeves, never with long sleeves or short sleeves. But I would also tell you that you looked beautiful no matter what you wore, and it breaks my heart to know that you ever believed otherwise.

I would tell you thank you for raising my dad to be the man that he is today. I would tell you how grateful I am to both you and to my dad that you have mended your relationship that was hurt on both sides from deep and painful wounds from the past. I would tell you that I see God in you, and that your faith inspires me to know God more and to be a better person.

I would tell you thank you for believing in me even when I didn’t believe in myself. For telling me I’m beautiful even when I felt ugly or undesirable. For looking me in the eyes when you talked, and for being truly engaged in conversations even when you couldn’t completely hear what the other person was saying. Thank you for your intentional effort to be close to and have relationships with others, especially with your grandchildren.

I would tell you thank you for all the Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve meals you cooked. I would say thank you for teaching my mom how to cook a proper Thanksgiving turkey, and for allowing me to be a part of helping you cook all your delicious, yummy dishes for these holidays.

Finally, I would tell you thank you just for being you. For being spunky, funny, and for always being determined to win an argument (even against my dad, which for anyone who knows him is certainly no easy task). Thank you for the love you gave, the many times you’ve made me laugh, and for not being afraid to style your hair the same way for 30 years because that is what YOU wanted.

I love you, Nanaw, so incredibly much. It’s hard down here without you right now, but it helps to know that you are up there in heaven with Jesus, and that I will see you again one day. ❤️

Love Without Limits

Sometimes we are afraid to love. Sometimes love intimidates us. Sometimes, we don’t want to love people because they don’t love us in return. Some of us may be in love, some of us may dream of falling in love some day, and some of us be scared out of our minds to fall in love because of the heartbreak it could potentially cause us.

Loving people is hard. Allowing yourself to feel the feelings of falling in love with someone is hard. Being heartbroken is hard. Losing someone you love, that’s really, really hard. Being vulnerable with people you know and trusting them to still love you after seeing you in such a deeply and sometimes troubled emotional place, that’s hard too.

We could avoid a lot of heartache if we never loved anyone. We would never have to put any trust in other people or fear that someone else may disappoint us or let us down. We could live independently of feelings, connection, and deep intimacy.

But the thing is, our God who created us instilled within us as human beings a desire to be in relationship with and to connect to others, which comes with the capacity to love and to feel loved. God designed our very nature with the need to be in community with and to be seen by others, to be loved by them, and with the emotional capacity to show that same love to others. The very first thing that God EVER said was “not good” was when Adam was alone in the Garden of Eden (Genesis 2:18). We were created to be in relationship with others, even if that sometimes causes us hurt and very, very deep pain.

So my challenge to you, friends, is this:

Love without limits. Love without fear. Allow yourself to fall in love even though there will always be a risk of getting your heart broken. Trust that God will always be with you and take care of you, but that He instilled within you the capacity to love for a reason. Do not choose to love only those who show love to you in return, but love those who criticize you, mistreat you, and even those who might gossip about you behind your back. Give your friends a chance to love you by being vulnerable with them and giving them that opportunity to show you how much they care for you. And even if they do not respond in love or possibly say something unintentionally hurtful in response, just know that you took a risk to foster a deep connection and that a risk like that is never, EVER for nothing.

Know that love will always require risk and will often cause us hurt and deep emotional pain. We grieve the pain of death of those we deeply love and care for. We face heartbreak when someone we are romantically involved with completely blindsights us by ending the relationship out of the blue. We can feel embarrassed when we share something personal with someone and they don’t respond in a way that communicates care and love. Love can lead to some of the most awful and painful feelings that we will ever experience, but that never means that our God-given capacity to love isn’t worth those risks and those really, really painful feelings.

Love is worth it because it not only connects us to the people we love and care for, but it connects us to God our Father whose very nature is love. We love because God first loved us, not because of love that is reciprocated to us from each person we show love to. We love because God showed the epitome of the deepest possible love for humanity when He sent His Son Jesus to die on the cross for all of our sins so that we could have eternal live in heaven with Him.

We choose to love, we fall in love, and we take the risk of being vulnerable with others because God designed us as human beings to be hard-wired for connection and intimate relationships. We also choose to love because God first loved us, and because loving others isn’t about what we get in return, but it is about what we give. When we love others, we are emulating the type of person we wish to be – imitating the love of Christ who died for us through the love we show our romantic partner, our spouse, our family, and our closest friends. And let’s not forget, you also imitate and show that love of Christ (maybe even in a deeper and more vulnerable way) when you love those who mistreat you, who criticize you, and even those who show hatred towards you. The love you show is never, ever, EVER, for nothing.

Genesis 2:18: “The Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him”, (NIV).

Matthew 5:43-45: “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy’. But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you”, (NIV).

John 3:16: “For this is how God loved the world: He gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have everlasting life”, (NLT).

1 John 4:18-19: “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear; for fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not reached perfection in love. We love because he first loved us”, (NRSV).

God, Help Me See the Good

Hey listen – I know not every situation is good. I know not everything that happens to us is fun, and I know sometimes the pain we feel from difficult circumstances we face in life can feel more physically painful than if we were actually hit by a bus.

I know sometimes we feel mad at God. I’ve been there too. Sometimes things happen to us that we don’t understand, and sometimes the people we would describe as the most humble, kind, loving human beings on the planet are those who are faced with the hardest and most unforeseen circumstances. Why is that?

The truth is, I don’t know why. And I believe there are a lot of things about God that we may never know on this side of heaven. But I do know this:

I know that God loves you, and I know that He most certainly has the power to bring good out of your situation. I know that He has the power to change your perspective and help you to see the good things that can come out of even the most brutal pain and most excruciating suffering. I know that the heartbreak you feel is REAL, but I also know that God is close to you when you are hurting.

You may have lost a loved one recently. Maybe you are divorced. Maybe you and your significant other of many years just called it quits. Maybe your teenager just ran away from home. Maybe your mom just got diagnosed with breast cancer, and you are wondering how you could even entertain the slightest thought of living life without your mom around.

I may not be able to say that I have personally experienced each and every one of those specific situations, but I can tell you that I know what it feels like to experience deep pain. Pain that feels like it will never, ever go away. Grief so strong that you wonder how you can possibly get out of bed, brush your teeth, and possibly move your feet from the bed to the floor to actually signify the beginning of a new day. I get it. Your feelings are valid, regardless of whether or not other people think they are. You feel what you feel, and sometimes it may feel like there is no one else there with you to comfort you in that pain.

I will tell you this, though. I may not always understand God, I may not know why He does the things He does, and I will probably NEVER be happy about the fact that bad things happen to good people – although I have accepted it as a result of us living in a fallen and sinful world. And guess what? You don’t have to be happy about it either. But, you can accept it. You can accept the fact that in this life there will be a level of pain and suffering that we all will experience that sometimes feels insurmountable. In this life, there will be pain, there will be hurt, and there will be tears. But even in the very depths of the most brutal evils that we witness on this earth, God is STILL God, and He is STILL good.

God is still with us even in the depths of our most signicant pains. He is with us when we walk through the valley of the shadow of death. He is with us when we cry, He is with us when we mourn, He is with us in our frustrations. He is with us when we believe in His goodness, and He is with us when we doubt that He is there. He is with us when we trust Him, and He is with us when we feel uncertain. He is with us in our grief, He is with us in our tears. He is with us when we sin, He is with us when we repent. He never leaves us nor forsakes us, and He will be with you in your darkest moments.

My brothers and sisters in Christ: I wish I could explain to the fullest extent every detail of every reason as to “why” bad things happen (even though I know it’s because of our free will, sometimes I still ask questions). But the truth is, I am finally beginning to make peace with the fact that I will NEVER know all the answers (not on this side of heaven, at least). I have been in seminary for over three years now, and it has taken me this long to realize that there will truly always be some things that we will NEVER know in this life. But, if we knew the answers and the “whys” behind everything, where would faith come in? If we never had to ask or wonder about those hard questions, how would we ever exercise or grow stronger in our faith?

My encouragement to you is this – lean on God in all times, in all circumstances, and trust that He is with you no matter what. Trust that He will never leave you nor forsake you. Trust that He cares, even when you are hurting so deeply that you wonder how you can possible move forward. Trust that God is WITH you, all you have to do is reach out to Him. Talk to Him, and tell Him you are hurting. Ask Him to change your perspective, and to show you HOW any good could possibly come out of such a hurtful situation. Ask Him to open the eyes of your heart, and to give you HIS perspective.

Psalm 23:4: “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me”, (ESV).

Psalm 34: 18: “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed”, (NLT).

Romans 8:28: “And we know [with great confidence] that God [who is deeply concerned about us] causes all things to work together [as a plan] for those who love God, to those who are called according to His plan and purpose”, (AMP).

But God, I don’t want to forgive them!

I know they hurt you. I know they treated you unfairly. I know they caused you deep pain and emotional turmoil that no one else saw, and that you cannot use words to explain. I know they didn’t show up for you when you thought they would. I know you trusted them and you thought they would never let you down. I know. I know they don’t deserve to be forgiven, and I know that everyone else is telling you that you have a right to be angry with them.

But I want to offer a different response. I want to challenge you – that even though you have a “right” to be angry with them, it doesn’t mean you should be. Nor does being angry towards that person who hurt you make you feel better in any way. Actually, it hurts you more than it hurts them.

I know that is hard to hear. I know forgiveness isn’t easy, and I know even the idea of forgiving this person who hurt you can even sometimes cause physical pain in your body just thinking about it. Because what they did wasn’t fair, and they hurt you in such a deep place in your heart. Because WHY should I forgive them when I have a right to be angry? WHY should I let go of a grudge towards them or the bitterness in my heart I am carrying?

We forgive others not because it is easy, but because of Jesus’ forgiveness towards us. We forgive others because He first forgave us, because He sacrificed Himself on a cross so that WE could experience eternal life with our Savior.

I know forgiveness is not easy. I know it’s hard. I know it’s painful. I KNOW that your pain sometimes feels unbearable. But I can promise you this: speaking from my own personal experience, when you forgive others, YOU experience freedom. YOU experience a peace and joy you would’ve never even thought possible. We forgive others to show them the love of Christ and because our sins have ALREADY been forgiven by Him. I know we have a right to be angry, but when we think about it, didn’t Jesus have a right to be angry with us? To hold our sins against us forever? To never give us a second chance, or to stop giving us a second chance after so many times of messing up? Haven’t we also hurt people, that of which we desparetly want them to forgive us for? Haven’t we ever said something that hurt someone we love, and wished we could take back what we said so despartely? Haven’t we ever sinned or done wrong to those we love the most?

I know I have. I have so many times, and I am so thankful for the people in my life who have forgiven me for all of the ways that I have caused hurt to them. I am so thankful for the people who continue to believe in me and speak truth into me even after I have done or said something that was hurtful to them. I am so thankful for the people in my life who see past my mistakes and choose to overlook them. I am so thankful for the people who know my flaws, who know my shortcomings, who I have perhaps even said some hurtful things to in the past, who choose to love me and forgive me anyway.

I would not be who I am today without the love of Christ, and the love of so many close friends and family who embody that same love inside of them. I am so thankful that Jesus has and continues to forgive me of my sins; so even though it is hard to forgive others when they do me wrong, when I put it in this perspective, it reminds me that I am no better than the person who hurt me. I am no more righteous, I am no more worthy of the forgiveness of Christ than they are. We have ALL sinned and fallen short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23), and we ALL need the forgiveness of Christ.

So, how do we forgive those who have hurt us?

We pray for them. We pray for them every day, and ask the Holy Spirit to work inside their hearts in in their lives to provide for their physical, mental, emotional and spiritual needs. We pray for the well-being of their body, their mind, and their spirit. We pray for them to flourish in all areas of their lives, and most importantly, we pray every day for God to give us the strength to forgive them for the ways that they have hurt us.

I pray that you all take courage to experience the freedom and the joy that comes with forgiving others. I pray that you see that it is not even for the other person as much as it is for YOUR peace of mind and heart. And I pray, more than anything, that God humbles your heart and reminds you that we have ALL sinned and we ALL need the forgiveness of God, and if He first showed us forgiveness, then we can be empowered by the Holy Spirit to show that same forgiveness to others.

Romans 3:23-24: …for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, being justified freely by His grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus,…(NKJV).

Ephesians 4:32: Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. (NIV)

Colossians 3:13: Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. (NLT)

Luke 6:37: “Do not judge, and you will not be judged; do not condemn, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven”, (NET).

Mark 11:25: But when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in heaven will forgive your sins, too. (NKJV)

Proverbs 17:9: Love prospers when a fault is forgiven, but dwelling on it separates close friends. (NIV)

Matthew 18:21:22: Then Peter came to him and said, “Lord, how many times must I forgive my brother who sins against me? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “Not seven times, I tell you, but seventy-seven times!”, (NLT).

Colossians 3:13-14: He delivered us from the power of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins. (NET)

A Letter to my High School Self

Dear high school Leah,

I wish I could’ve told you how much all of those things you’re worrying about right now will not matter to you at all in a few years.

I wish I could show you now how much you are growing in your relationship with God and blossoming into the woman He has called you to be.

I really wish I could tell you that one day, you will recognize that your beauty and your self-worth are not encompassed in your weight. I wish I could tell you that the number on the scale truly just is, and always will be, nothing but a number. That number cannot measure your character, beauty, talent, strength, or the love that is within your heart. I know you may not see it now, Leah, but one day, one day you will understand. One day you will not be living in bondage to a number, and you will truly be walking in step with the Holy Spirit fulfilling the calling on your life and seeing that this “beauty” you have been chasing so badly, it lies within you. It lies within the person you are becoming, the person God is calling you to be.

I wish I could tell you that it’s okay to feel different. It’s okay that you feel like you don’t “fit in” with your high school friends. They aren’t chasing after God like you. Absolutely nothing against them, but recognize that when you chase after God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength; you might start to look different than the world – and that’s okay. It’s okay that you don’t fit in with people who are not wholeheartedly pursuing the Lord, and ONE day Leah – one day you will find friends who are. One day, you will have friends who are running after God just as fast as you are. One day you will understand the true meaning of friendship, and you may wonder how you lived so long without these friends, but you will thank GOD for putting them in your life when He did.

One day you will grow up. You will see things differently than your high school self did. You will start to realize the people and the things in life that have true and lasting importance to you. Your relationship with God, those friends who are pursuing God with you, the ministry you get to do with teenagers, working with a staff who truly feels like family, pursuing the degree in seminary that God has called you to get, your family who loves you so dearly, visiting your grandparents as often as humanly possible because you just don’t know how long they will be around- those, those are the things that truly matter, and one day, one day you will finally see it. You will see how much God has blessed you, and your eyes will look to different things than your younger self did. Your eyes will look more to Godly things, and less to the things of this world.

1 Peter 3:3-4: “Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight”, (NIV).

Psalm 46:4-5: “There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy place where the Most High dwells. God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day”, (NIV). (Italics added)

The Longing

Lord, I long for your presence. Not just during a praise and worship song at church, and not just when I walk up to the altar to receive prayer. I long for your presence to permeate every aspect of every single day of my life. I realize more and more how completely incapable I am to do anything in this life without the strength of your Holy Spirit within me.

Forgive me for the times I have mistakingly thought I could do anything in my own. Forgive me for when I try to do school, ministry, or even try to love others in my own strength. I can’t love others fully without you Jesus, and I most certainly don’t have the brainpower to do schoolwork through the strength of my own mind. And most certainly, I can not do any form of ministry on this planet without the incredible power or your Holy Spirit working on the inside of me.

I pray Holy Spirit that you would work inside my heart and my mind, renewing and transforming them to reflect that of Jesus Christ. I pray that the work you are doing inside of me will be ministry in itself, and that there would be an outpouring of your love onto each and every person I encounter Lord. When they see me, let them see you. I pray that each person I encounter would be so overwhelmed by your loving presence that they are left with a heart and mind full of love, joy and peace. I pray that all of us be people who are consistently and continually transformed by your grace and love each person who comes across our path by the power and work of your Holy Spirit within us. I pray this in your beautiful name Jesus, amen.

John 13:35: “By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another” (NIV).

Galatians 5:22: “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law”, (NIV).

It will cost you

Obeying God isn’t always easy. In fact, it isn’t easy most of the time. It’s hard, because it will involve you giving up absolutely everything else you could possibly trust in in the natural in order to be completely and totally reliant on God. When we obey God, we are communicating that we trust in Him, rather than trusting in earthly things (e.g. money, material possessons, status, career, etc.).

There is something that is both really scary and really beautiful about obeying God. God will never ask us to do something that does not have our best interest at heart, but, He will often ask us to make sacrifices for the sake of glorifying His kingdom and living a life that is an honest and complete surrender to His will. A perfect example of this is seen in Luke 18, when Jesus tells the rich young ruler to sell his material possessions and give to the poor in order to follow Him (see Luke 18:22). Jesus wanted this man to give up the one thing he knew he was trusting in, the one thing he knew that had is heart instead of God, instead of Yahweh.

My challenge to you today is to ask yourself, “What am I trusting in?” Is it God, or is it something else? Am I trusting in money? Wealth? Status/power? A career? Maintaining a certain weight in order guarentee a particular and distinguishable kind of success, because you are believing the lie from the enemy that the only thing you have to offer is your looks (I know this is a particularly difficult thing for us women), when in reality you are so much more than that?

There are so many things we can try to look to and trust in on this earth, but none of those things will ever bring lasting or eternal value. None of those things can ignite our spirit with joy and peace, none of those things gave their son to die on the cross for us and save our sins, and none of those things offer us the amazing gift of eternal salvation. Only God does. Only GOD sacrificed His son to make salvation possible for all of humanity.

And look, I GET it, God has recently asked me to give up a second job I was holding on to because I thought I needed to keep it for the extra money. And, when I say extra, I don’t mean extra to spend on whatever I want, I mean extra to secure the money I need to pay for necessities – in particular, to pay for school. I was holding on to this job because, in the natural, I could NOT afford to just have one part-time job to cover the cost of my tuition for this semester. No way, no how. I need to work my butt off every day so that I can assure I have the money I need, right? I need to wear myself out, get little sleep, and not take care of myself physically, mentally, or spiritually/emotionally because isn’t having enough money the most important thing? And aren’t I the one ultimately responsible for paying for [one] of the very things that God is calling me to do in this season of my life? Isn’t it up to me to come up with the money? Don’t I NEED to wear myself out to that I can “earn” the money it will take me to pay for school? Don’t I have to exhaust myself because that is what our American culture tells us is necessary in order to be even remotely successful and worth anything in this life?

No. To all of those questions. Just, no. You don’t have to exhaust yourself or wear yourself down (physically, mentally, or spiritually/emotionally) to provide for your needs, because guess what? That is not YOUR job. Your job is to be obediant to Christ and to do what HE is asking you to do. HIS job is to provide for your needs, to take care of you, to direct and guide your steps. Exhausting ourselves and pushing ourselves to our physical and emotional limits ultimately reflects a lack of trust in God (I know that may sound harsh, but I am not here to condemn, just hopefully shed some light and encouragement on your situation).

When we try to do it in our own, finite human strength, we will encounter finite, human limits; but when we STOP, when we PAUSE…that is when we are reminded that God gave us these human limitations so that it may be POSSIBLE for him to work – in us, through us, and for us. While it is certainly true that God will provide for our physical needs (especially when those needs come as a result of us being obedient to something that God has asked us to do); it is also true that He will provide for our emotional needs, and that He can and will work in our hearts to energize our spirits when we feel downcast. He will ignite our spirit with hope when we feel like we are in a deep pit of despair. I know this from personal experience, friends. All we have to do is pray, and ask Him. He sees you, and He IS with you. Even in your darkest moment. He has not left you.

I know that I shared that right now, I have a particular financial need, but I know that we all have different types of needs, and I am here to encourage and remind you that God knows EXACTLY what you need. He is HERE for you to provide it, He is just waiting on you to trust in Him; and igniting that trust will usually require an act of obediance that will involve us giving up the very thing that we once put all of our trust in (for me, it was my second job, for the rich young ruler in Luke 18, it was his wealth/material possessions). I don’t know what it is you might be trusting in instead of God, but I want to encourage you: there is so much FREEDOM in trusting in Yahweh. There is so much freedom in recognizing our own human limits and realizing that that is what gives Him the room to work miracles in our lives that ultimately reflect HIS glory. Obediance and trust in God are not easy, but they are worth it. There is nothing more precious or beautiful on this PLANET than living a life completely surrendered to and devoted to Christ; and, as Christians, that is the life we are called to live. A life that reflects complete trust in and surrender to the ONE God, Yahweh; and that brings Him glory in every aspect of our lives. All that He asks of us is to be our number one priority, and the ONLY thing we put our trust in. He has promised us over and over again throughout scripture that he will always provide for us, we just have to trust in and be obedient to Him.

Psalm 9:9-10: “The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. Those who know your name trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you”, (NIV).

Psalm 118:5-6: “In my distress I prayed to the Lord, and the Lord answered me and set me free. The Lord is for me, so I will have no fear. What can mere people do to me?” (NLT)

Jeremiah 29:11: “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future”, (NIV).

Matthew 6:30-34: “And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith? So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need. So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today”, (NLT) (italics added for emphasis).

Luke 18:22: “When Jesus heard this, he said to him, ‘You still lack one thing. Sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me'”, (NIV) (italics added).

Philippians 4:19: “And my God will fully satisfy every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus”, (NRSV).

Why am I in seminary?

I ask myself this question quite often. Seminary is challenging, time-consuming, expensive, and straight up just a WHOLE lot of work. It’s hard. It takes up most of my time and money, so why am I doing it?

I am in seminary because I KNOW this is where God has called me. I know that as hard and difficult as these late-night study nights can be, and how challenging it can be for me to try to learn a new language like Hebrew or Greek, I know that being obedient to Christ will make all of this worth it. I can’t promise all of the details of what my future after seminary will hold (although I do have some ideas), but I KNOW that it will be worth it because right now, seminary is where God wants me. I know that being obedient to him will ultimately what makes ALL of this worth it. Not because it’s fun, not because I will get a whole lot of money out of my career when I graduate, not because I will earn “x, y or z” from it, but simply because I am being obedient. If I know God has called me, then I know he will empower me and equip me to finish my seminary degree even on days when I tell myself I’m going to drop out.

There have been many days where I have questioned whether or not I can make it through seminary. And to be honest, by myself, I totally can’t. I am completely and utterly incapable of graduating with a Master’s of Divinity degree without the Holy Spirit working inside my mind and my heart to empower me. There is absolutely no part of this seminary degree or experience as a whole that I am even remotely capable of doing on my own. This experience has and continues to make me acutely aware of just how reliant I am on God. And maybe that’s not such a bad thing.

Maybe it’s not such a bad thing for me (or any of us) to come to grips with the reality of our humanity. Maybe it’s not so bad for us to recognize that no matter WHAT it is that God has called us to, that it is guaranteed to peal back the layers of our human capacity so that we come to full awareness of our weaknesses. It will make us vulnerable. It will expose us. It will make us realize that we can never run away from the nature of our humanity, and it will awaken us once again to the reality of our need for Jesus Christ our Savior in our lives. It will remind us that there will always be things (no matter how much we wish there weren’t) that we can never do on our own. We need the power of the Holy Spirit within us; to empower us, equip us, and strengthen us (physically, mentally and spiritually). God’s calling on each of our lives will be one that makes us come to full awareness of our humanity, because when we can recognize the nature of our weaknesses, that is when the power of Christ becomes STRONG in us.

Whatever God is calling you to do, friends, remember that HE is the one who is going to empower and equip you. Remember that HE called you to what he has for a specific purpose, one that is uniquely chosen and designed for you. God has called you to something that will make you understand (possibly more than you ever have in your entire life – at least that has been my experience) how much you NEED him. And, I have to say, the reality of this [in some ways, hard] truth used to bother me because I wanted to be able to be confident in MY abilities to finish this seminary degree, but then I remembered those words from the Apostle Paul in 2 Corinthians 12:10b when he says, “For when I am weak, then I am strong”, (ESV). When I am weak, that is when Christ works most powerfully in me, and you know what, how GREAT is it that I am absolutely incapable in my own abilities to finish ANY seminary degree (let alone an Master’s of Divinity!), because THAT will allow people to see just how amazing and powerful the work and power of Christ is inside of me. I pray that everything about this seminary journey (the experience, the time, my future after) is a testimony to God’s glory. I am so, so incredibly glad to be where I am (and it took me a long time to get to that place in my heart – that in itself was another work of the Holy Spirit on the inside of me) because I know that GOD is who has brought me on this seminary journey. And, not only will he get me through it, but he will even help me to thrive along the way and showcase his incredible power at work within me because, again, that is the ONLY way I have made it this far through seminary and (God-willing) will be able to finish my degree. 🙌🏼🙏🏼

Seek after God, friends. Ask him what he is calling you to do, and I really hope it scares you, because that’s how you know it’s for real: when you know you can’t do it without him.

Exodus 4:11-12: “The Lord said to him [Moses], ‘Who gave human beings their mouths? Who makes them deaf or mute? Who gives them sight or makes them blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say”, (NIV).

“I trust in God, just not in me.”

If you’re anything like me, you spend a lot of time doubting yourself. You think to yourself “oh, that person can do that, but not me, I can’t.” You focus so much on your flaws and your struggles that sometimes you even forget that you’re a whole person outside of those struggles that you face. You often live with a fear of being “found out” – that is, of people knowing the REAL you. People knowing how you really struggle, what you really deal with on the inside. You don’t want anyone else to know, and you are afraid that if they did, they would judge you. They might even question your faith, and ask you how you could be a Christian, yet still be struggling in this way…

If they’re a friend, maybe they would decide to abandon you. Maybe they would learn how you really struggle and decide that you’re too broken to be their friend. Maybe people you go to church with, maybe they would judge you. Maybe they would call you a hypocrite, because how can you be so absolutely incapable of living a life completely free of insecurity and self-doubt when you are a Christian? Don’t you know your identify in Christ? Don’t you KNOW what the scripture says about you? Don’t you realize that you are a child of God? So how in the world can you still be struggling in this way?

Maybe they would tell you your worthless. Maybe they would subconsciously lead you to believe the lie from the enemy that you are defined by your struggles. Maybe they would criticize you even more than you already criticize yourself. Maybe they would even say that they despise you because of your struggles. Maybe they would tell you to cover them up really good because who would want to see someone in such a broken, vulnerable place? Who would want to see the REAL, broken, imperfect you? Is there anyone who could see this version of you and still love you for it?

Jesus Christ. That’s who. That’s who can, does, and always will love you – not just the you that you want everyone else to see, but the REAL you. The broken you. The you that you have spent so much of your life trying to hide. The you that is afraid of being found out. Yeah, he loves THAT you. He made you exactly the way that that he wanted you to be. And those things that you struggle with that you wish so badly you didn’t? God can work in the midst of them. He can use those struggles to showcase HIS glory and HIS work in your life. Our struggles are a constant reminder to us that we are weak and incapable creatures on our own, and that we NEED the Holy Spirit in our lives to make us whole and complete. We need the Holy Spirit at work in us to make us a reflection of Christ, and our struggles remind us that nothing good we will ever do comes from our own strength, it is ALWAYS by the grace of God and through the power of the Holy Spirit at work in our lives. May our struggles and our weaknesses be testimonies that reveal the glory of Christ at work within us.

Oh, and anyone who actually does criticize you in the ways mentioned above (I hope and pray that that never actually happens to any of us, but unfortunately, it does ENTIRELY too often)…

Those people are not worth your time. Those people are not loving you like Christ loves you, and my dearest friends, their opinions of you do not matter. The idea that we have to be perfect all the time and free of struggles is just a LIE that the enemy wants us to believe, because if he can get us to believe that we ‘shouldn’t’ struggle, he can get us to be SILENT about our struggles, live in our shame, and never heal from our deepest wounds, hurts, and insecurities.

I say this with all the love in the world that my human heart possibly can: SPEAK. Share your struggles with people you love and trust, and who you know truly care about you. (And, if in the past you have opened up to someone who you thought you could trust and they let you down, I am so, SO incredibly sorry that you experienced that, but I also know that as hard as it may be, you HAVE to step out in faith and share with someone again. It is for the sake of your own healing and spiritual well-being. I know it’s hard, but I have faith in you. You can absolutely gain courage to share again through the power of the Holy Spirit inside of you, just ASK Him to give you that courage. He is so faithful.) There is healing in community, friends, and there ARE still amazing Jesus-loving people out there who will love you for you and not judge you for your struggles. I know this because I would not be where I am today without the solid, spirit-filled individuals who spent time pouring truth into my life when I revealed my deepest hurts to them and got honest about my shame. I let them see the real me, and they loved me for it. What a true reflection of Christ’s love for us, and of the community he created us for.

Let people see the real you. Those who will leave you for it, they don’t matter. The people who matter, they will stay. They will love you even more for your vulnerability. They will even want to grow closer to you because of it, and maybe they will even open up and share their struggles with you, too. Let us bear one another’s burdens, and lead each other to the cross. Let us honor God in anything and everything that we do. Let us show our REAL selves, unafraid, and unashamed.

Galatians 6:2: “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ”, (ESV).

2 Corinthians 12:7b-10: “Therefore, to keep me from being too elated, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me, to keep me from being too elated. Three times I appealed to the Lord about this, that it would leave me, but he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness.’ So, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities for the sake of Christ; for whenever I am weak, then I am strong”, (NRSV).